'New Girl' in the Neighborhood

FOX. You know, that network that somehow magically stumbles upon great opportunities and stomps all over them? They've hit the jackpot once more, but judging by the fact that they have picked up Zooey Deschanel's venture into the land of TV, New Girl, for a FULL season...maybe the winds of change are blowing through the network.

Let's recap really quickly. FOX has cancelled many, many shows over the yea

rs. Yes, there are pilots that should never have made it into the following episode, but then there are gems that get slashed off the lineup just because this corporation lacks the ability to properly promote and situate the series to succeed. For example:

You know Family Guy? Once upon a time, FOX was stupid enough to cancel the wildly inappropriate, adult-themed, animated series. While parenting groups everywhere would have cheered, the rest of us were heartbroken during it's stint of cancellation. However, I feel that the stupidity of FOX can be summed up in two words : Arrested Development. I recall

when I first started watching it, I'd literally have Ron Howard narrating my surroundings. Needless to say, I'm a fan, and an angry bitter one at that. Then again, can we really blame FOX for this one? A huge percentage of the audience didn't appreciate the show because they lacked the intelligence to truly understand it.

Now that I've gotten far, far away from the topic at hand..New Girl!

We all love Zooey Deschanel, even as a straight girl she is a "girl crush", you can't help but love her. I gave Glee a second chance this year after the disappointment the second season was, and boy am I glad I did. Sure, the show has returned to it's original roots and that makes me happy, but if I hadn't been seated after the season premiere I probably wouldn't have tuned into New Girl until a good friend harassed me into doing so. Why did I fall for this show? Well because as a twenty-something who has more dude friends than female ones and is terri

ble with all things love, I related. Here's why :

1. Black-rimmed dork glasses : I own these, but rarely wear them with confidence. I feel that Jess has given me the confidence to do so.

2. "It's Jess" : Who hasn't created a song about how awesome they are? In secret, of course, but now we can sing our theme songs loud and proud, we don't care who hears them.

3. The Male-Female Dynamic : Proof that women and men can just be friends. It's quite apparent that Nick and Jess will bump uglies at some point, bu

t the living situation at the moment is one hundred percent precious.

4. The Dork Factor : LOTR references, belting out "Time of My Life", t-shirts with slogans, and the inability to pick up a guy? Yes, I have been there and I'm still there. But I'm working on it.

If you have not watched this show, please do so..before FOX makes another mistake.

The Three-Date Drop

Things are going well, you're texting regularly, hanging out at least weekly, and in your mind (the female one) things are going swimmingly. That is, until you cave and after date three, allow some below the belt activity.

Now, growing up we learn from movies and television (Sex and the City being the obvious exception), that if you are a lady you wait until date three to sleep with the guy. Throw in a few prior incidents, and you may be so inclined to not seal the deal until things are "official". Either way, let's say post date three the below the belt activity commences, seeing each other sans clothes for the first time, both of you have a good time and you leave wondering when you'll see him next. If you're me, by this point you're thinking not when you'll see him again but, "Will I see him again?"

Past history tells me no. Then again, sometimes men surprise you, right? I personally have no evidence of this, but my you know the drill : There's always an exception to the rule, it's just not you.

Either way, at the end of the text-free work day, we're forced as women to ask ourselves :

What are we really holding out for?

I'll tell you what. I call it the 5-Coaster Requirements. Why coasters, you say? Simple explanation. While at my local watering hole, investigating the quality of men around me, I grabbed five coasters from a pile and organized them in a pleasing diamond shape. I then proceeded to explain to my best male friend what they stood for:

1. Looks: Shallow, I know, but let's get real. That's the initial spark to the fire 99.9% of the time.

2. Sense of humor: Ever heard the saying, "If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything"? This is, although it pains me to admit it, quite true. I know that when I'm sitting down with a guy and I feel the refreshing flow of genuine laughter emerging from my lungs, I'm with someone who deserves my time.

3. Intelligence: Intelligence, is sexy as hell. Not over-confident, bullshit, "watch me use big words improperly" intelligence. Genuine, humble intelligence. Also, nerdy is sometimes sexy too.

4. Working goods: Ladies, do I need to explain this? I think not. Size, stamina, quality. You know all about that.

5. Spark: Can't explain it, can't label it. It is absolutely real and in my opinion, beyond explanation.

It certainly exists, but is it unattainable?

A Brief Dive Into The Male Ego

As I sit here I must admit something :

I am skipping a class. Which one? Well, not to be super specific it's one that as a woman I shouldn't be missing and it involves literature. It got me to thinking, however, that as a modern American woman, one who may be able to float by on looks every once in a while (not gorgeous, but passable), I should consider myself pretty lucky. True, I'm lacking a Jon Hamm level beau, a salary job, and my future dream apartment, but I'm surviving.

The human ego is a tricky deal, but I'd like to think that females have a slightly better grasp on controlling it and are less likely to have it bruised. I could be wrong, but I hope I'm not.

However my ego-centric way of thinking has forced me to sit here pouting because men are "idiots", and I keep picking the wrong ones. Then it hit me : I'm not picking these men! They are the ones who have approached me. Honestly I'd die before I'd make the first move on a man. Granted lately I've been known to force eye contact with a few strong drinks in my system. More recently I spied a man I found attractive across the bar. I could see that he was probably about thirty years old, lacking impressive employment, but would skate through life for at least another 10 years based on his dirty attractiveness and dog-like ways. Within minutes of eye contact being made, I had distracted him from the girl tugging at his side and he was wiggling his finger at me to come sit next to him. I considered this for a moment then decided, no.

That was a ballsy move, one that actually gained him points had I not been a giant chicken, sitting with my male friend who is prone to aggressive behavior. This gentleman across the bar saw that I had clearly come to the bar with someone, and while I knew that someone was not a boyfriend or a date, he did not. If a man is confident enough in himself to cut in on another man's time with his lady, is that cocky or a whole new realm of male confidence that will only make us ladies weaker at our knees?

Yikes.

Reason #194 the Internet Disturbs Me.

Let me preface this entry by professing my love for the internet. I love it, I love that I can pay bills, check my bank account, stay in touch with friends, and google pretty much any question I have and get an answer within .005 seconds.

But, romance online?

In my twenty-four years on this planet I have joined exactly two online dating sites. The first one is a very popular website, but it requires you pay for it's services. I was coming off the heels of my first real breakup with my first real boyfriend. As you can probably imagine, some alcohol was involved as I hopped onto my laptop, and threw together a user profile which consisted of little to no information about the real me, an obscure quote from a cancelled British TV show, and the most attractive picture of myself I could find.

To my satisfaction, I began receiving messages rather quickly. However, this was solely for experimentation as I already had my next male suitor lined up. I just wasn't ready to commit yet. Signing on to this website for a free trial was the pick up my broken ego needed, but sure enough when I realized if I didn't cancel immediately my credit card would be charged $100, I panicked and cancelled, leaving many men in the dark about my existence.

Fast forward 2 years, another very real breakup, and almost a year of "single" under my belt. Granted I'd run into my fair share of winners in my time as a single lady, but I was still hesitant about the world of online dating. I don't know why I say "I was". It really should be "I am". My friend had suggested I try this other online dating site. A free one. I took a moment to laugh out loud at the idea, and then got on to see what it was all about.

Let me tell you what happened moments after setting up my profile and answering some rather personal questions.

First it automatically suggested a guy to me who I'd had a crush on, but previously thought didn't play for my team, if you catch my drift. This caused me to literally roll around laughing for approximately 10 minutes. From that moment on, I didn't take this site seriously. Fast forward a month or so, a month in which I did not even check this site, and you have me, fussier than ever, seriously considering talking to guys online. Yikes.

Anywho, I started taking it semi-seriously, chatting with guys who seemed decent and interesting. Still very hesitant. Then yesterday I had the great pleasure of receiving this message :

"Hello,

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks.You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum.

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer chinese or italian cuisine.

This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly or you might anger my boss.

Thanks"

I stood there for a minute, attempting to close my mouth which had dropped open upon reading this message. I couldn't decide if it was more appalling that he saw fit to rate me a 9/10 based on the one picture I'd provided as evidence, if that was a compliment, or if he was serious about the questions he was asking. Needless to say I did not respond because the only reply I could muster up was "Wow."

I think online dating and I may have to break up. I'm not super curious about what's behind Door #2.

Alabama, Arkansas.

Relocating this gem from my old blog, the one with my name incorporated into it's URL..

There are nine million other things I should be doing at this moment. Okay, nine million give or take. Yet, here I am with my enormous Santa Claus coffee mug filled to the brim with goodness, and I'm contemplating taking a step back and changing my ways. Don't worry, it's nothing serious, but I'm fairly positive that I learned a valuable life lesson on Tuesday. And that, my friends, is :

Never underestimate the power of a strongly worded letter (or e-mail).

It took me far too many years, several hours of my mother complaining outloud, and a raging case of PMS (whoops) to finally write my first one. My mother had ordered a Nativity scene for our front yard Christmas display this year, and since my parents are still fairly new to ordering things online, picked a website that I could have designed better myself. Oh, wait, I did, when I was in ninth grade. My bad. So I sat down to write an e-mail from my mother to this idiotic company. It was mildly sarcastic, professional, yet fairly condescending. I loved it, I clicked send. On Tuesday we had no tracking number, arrival date, or any of the necessary information about our delivery. Today, it will be delivered by the UPS man. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, "Hm. Well that's one way to get what I want."

Now, stay with me because tying this in to something man or twenty-something related might be tricky and stupid, but I'm going for it anyway. I guess the question I'm asking is :

How big of a bitch does one need to be, in order to get what she wants out of a relationship?

Yes, it's out there. I'll be the first to admit that I've been completely and utterly spineless in my only two relationships. I've taken a personal vow to myself, and I don't plan on letting that happen again. If it keeps me from being in a relationship, then so be it. Ultimatums, which my friends have often suggested I give out, I have never followed through on, and have usually feared issuing. It's not my style, but I think I have an argument for this. Sure, issuing an ultimatum may get me what I want, but is it really worth it? I feel so drained from approximately 4 years of serious dating that I'm not sure any work is worth it. I'm aware that they say it's not easy, and that it will take a lot of work when that true love comes along, but I think I have a different opinion. Will work really feel like work, or when it's right will the "work" just come along naturally.

Since the two times I've been in love have caused me pain, angst, immense anxiety, stress, and sadness..

I have this idea, that true love might be easy, and it will feel like the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

That's just my wish.

Jam of the Day

Seeing as my mood is a rather interesting combination of grumpy, confused, anxious and hopeful I think this lovely little jam by Jem will fit the bill today :

"Falling For You" - Jem

Lovely song, lovely artist.

Jim Halpert : The modern day Prince Charming.

I distinctly remember being twenty years old, in my sophomore year of college, and the beginning of my tumultuous relationship with Netflix Instant viewing. For some reason, I had never seen The Office US, but thank God one day I decided to start watching. My interest was sparked while sitting in on the opening of season four with a few of my dorm friends. Who is Dwight and why is he so strange? More importantly, is this the Jim and Pam couple I keep hearing about? I didn't quite understand why everyone had been obsessing over a couple that already seemed to be very much together. Until I took a step back, sat at my computer, and proceeded to watch seasons 1 through 3 a...disturbing amount of times. I'm not eager to know the exact number.

That's when I decided : Screw Prince Charming, where's my Jim Halpert?

Let me start by saying that Prince Charming and Jim Halpert have one thing in common : They are incredibly appealing and completely unattainable. Fictional, actually. Still that didn't stop me, a naive young adult from believing that maybe someday I'd meet someone while I was engaged to a complete douchebag, and he'd rescue me from this troubled relationship, making me laugh along the way. Oh, and of course we'd all work together.

However, I did end up having a guy put on a lovely Jim Halpert-esque front and pull me out of a failing relationship with my boyfriend of three and a half years, and we were all in the same group of friends. It was less fun than I thought it would be, especially when my Jim Halpert turned out to be a Grade A douchebag, but I suppose I've learned my lesson.

So here I am, really single for the first time ever, and twenty-three years old. Naturally I figured while I go around, meeting boys (they're not men yet), making mistakes, and drinking, I should probably write about it. This will give my girl friends a much needed break from my constant and probably quite aggravating rants and analyzing.

This should be fun.